Sunday, May 8th, 2016. Just another motherless mother celebrating Mother’s Day. I lost my mother to cancer on February 4th 2014. There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss that woman. Miss her popping over without calling, and her shaking her head before helping me clean up. Miss her giving unsolicited advice, even though I listened, and wishing I listened more. Her singing. Her dancing. Her cooking. Lord knows I miss her cooking. She was also my biggest supporter. When I wanted to start a magazine, she agreed to be the chaffeur to pick up the cover model from the airport. When I wanted to be a photographer, she was my first model. When I wanted to become a party planner, she was right there with me critiquing, helping and financing. She was my everything.
Sometimes, I do get jealous. My husband and friends have an amazing support system in their parents.
But as the years have gone by, I find myself not crying as much. Believe me, I still cry. But most of the time I remember and smile.
I have also come to realize I did not actually lose my mother to cancer at all. In a weird way, I found her and my father.
I find myself doing things she did. The silliest things. Dancing with my kids and singing along to musicals. Pretending we have our own language.
When I was younger, maybe around 5 years old, I watched my mom as she cooked breakfast. She cracked the eggs and before she scrambled them, she took a fork and carefully removed the small white parts. I remember her telling me, “That’s the sperm. We ain’t scramblin eggs with no sperm.” As a child, I had no idea what she was talking about, but its exactly how I handle my eggs til this day, no matter how silly, or unscientific it is. And if anyone asks why I do it, “Because we ain’t scramblin eggs with no sperm”. *Insert my husband’s bewildered “what you talkin bout willis” face here*
I also have found myself closer to my father. Our relationship is not perfect but its way better than non-existent.
So to the motherless mothers on Mother’s Day, just know that you are not really motherless at all.
My mother made it a point to be “here”. She was here for the birth of my second child. He was due in November and Rose Marie said NO…that baby will be born on MY BIRTHDAY… when I lost my credit card, my mom said, YOU AIN’T FORGETTING ME, and the numbers matched her birthday.
Your mother is within you. All of her quirks and advice and wisdom, you soaked it up. The hopes and ambitions that she had for you, you have for your own children. She may not be here physically, but she is here. She is here for birthdays and holidays. She is here for the birth of new children and the celebration of new homes. She is here to encourage you to pursue new careers and to make changes in your life. All you have to do is listen. And as you listen, you won’t hear HER voice, but you’ll hear your own. Because SHE raised you and helped shape the voice within you.
So as you celebrate Mother’s Day, know that celebrating you is celebrating her. Because after all, we are our mother’s daughter.
Love you Rose Marie…my mommy.